The Legend of Gunpowder Gertie Thanks to our shipmate Capt. Ed Foxe, some Woodward-and-Bernstein-caliber poop on one of the most famous pirate wenches (what is the politically correct term again?) of all time, Gertrude Stubbs, a.k.a. Gunpowder Gertie...
"A poor woman, Gertrude Stubbs dressed as a man so that she could work aboard as a coalman on the steamships traveling along the inland rivers of Whitby, an east coast port town in Britain. After an injury blinded her in one eye, the doctor discovered she was a woman and she was immediately fired from her job.
In revenge, she stole a police patrol boat, customized it into a fast-moving, reinforced gunboat which she named the Witch. Hoisting her Jolly Roger, she attacked paddleboats up and down the river using this boat, and was nicknamed Gunpowder Gertie.
One of her crew eventually betrayed her for a reward and clemency, and in a final battle with the law, he was killed along with most of her crew. Gertie was imprisoned and died of pneumonia. The location of her booty was never discovered."
HOWEVER, as Capt. Ed tells us via his collection of "Pirate Mythtory":
Actually, that's probably not a particularly accurate description of the terrifying Gunpowder Gertie. Gertrude Stubbs is well known as the Lady Pirate of Kootenay Lake (rather than the Lady Pirate of Whitby!), and she had many more adventures than the brief resume above gives her credit for. So what's Gertie doing here at Pirate Mythtory? I think the best thing I can do is to pass on the words of her inventor, storyteller Carolyn McTaggart.
"The truth is, Gertie only exists as a figment of my overactive imagination. I made her up to explain a treasure hunt for some schoolchildren I was working with and in order to make her more credible, added a lot of the local history I've grown to love. We used her to take a tour of the area learning local history (true stuff as well ) and then dug up one of her treasures at the beach before we told them the truth. It was when the parents believed it (guess what, we had a lady pirate on Kootenay Lake in 1898 and everyone just forgot!), that it seemed too good not to have a little fun with it. A local paper, The Kootenay Review, ran the story as an April Fool's joke along with the explanation of how she'd been "lost" to history. It was amazing how many people fell for it hook, line and sinker! Best joke I've ever played and to my knowledge nobody got hurt (ok, disappointed, maybe)-end of story- I thought. Then, a few years later, Gertie turned up on her own, somehow, the story got sent to the CBC -not me, honest- and was used in a segment of Bob Johnson's program, This Day in History and they thought it was a true story. And that's how I ended up becoming an historical storyteller. I have much more of her life written out, and several adventures that I can tell, as well as the original legend, and have told her story as far as the Yukon International Storytelling Festival and England. She's taken on a life of her own. The Tyrant Queen has floated down Baker St. in the local parade, I have a treasure chest with treasure, there was a traveling exhibit of "artifacts and fiction". There's even a mockumentary of her life available on video. It's been lots of fun and ten years later, I still run into people who think she was real. And now, in a twisted way, she is real local history. When my father built my treasure chest when I was 5, I don't think he imagined I'd still be playing with it when I turned 40!
??Carolyn McTaggart"
For more action like this, check out Capt. Ed’s swell Pirate Mythtory site.
When Pirating A Brig...
...it's useful to have a crewmate of the canine persuasion as, in a pitch black ship's hold, their supercharged snoots can sniff out certain valuable items us human pirates would otherwise miss.
In the video below, you can see my new crewmate Sea-Rover in a land training session for exactly that purpose.
Now, as it happens, Sea-Rover has his own blog where he gives his views on this. How is it possible that he's writing and responding to comments in English, as opposed to Bark? I 've got no idea. Maybe his previous sniffing-stuff-out experience has something to do with it?
Stupid George (Technically) No Longer Lost
As you might recall, Stupid George struck out on his own, hoping to make a name for himself as a pirate. Then he was never heard from. Well, he’s turned up. Evidently he’s spent the last couple weeks stumbling around the alley behind the pirate supply store where he bought a hoop earring, a custom t-shirt and a couple of eye patches.
I’m going to have to take the poor bastard out pirating, aren’t I?
Free Beer
To those of you who bought a copy of the novel "Pirates of Pensacola" then sent in to the stooge’s talent agency in New York City to get a bookplate signed by the author (fancy publishing term for sticker): Well, we ran into delays. In short, one thing lead to another, all of which was out of my control other than the signing pen running dry and some consequences of a case of rum. Good news is the first batch is now signed and in the mail. Some of you might have your hands (and in one case, hand and hook) on them already.
Still, as our way of apologizing for the delay, here’s a scrimshaw of a beer for you by Flarq.
Now before you go and squawk, “Well, gee, Nelson, although you’re a sensitive, smart guy, that’s not so big of you to upload a jpeg of a beer,” listen to this: The publishing company is sending the stooge to talk or something like that at the Blackbeard Festival in Hampton, Virginia on Saturday, June 4th. You print out the scrimshaw and you can redeem it with the stooge & co. for an actual, real beer, providing that isn’t in violation of a bunch of laws (in which case you can redeem it with me).
A note about the Blackbeard Festival: This sucker is one of the biggest pirate festivals on the planet with 30,000 pirates and pirate fans expected to attend, which is odd, cause it’s a celebration of the beheading of Blackbeard a couple hundred years or so ago. You’d think they’d be protesting, right? No. See, Blackbeard was the pirating equivalent of a monopoly. When his ticket was punched, it opened jobs for lots of other pirates. Amen.
P.S.: Speaking of history, today?s May 1, a.k.a. May Day. Can any of you clue me in on the historical significance of the May Pole? As usual I?m eager to do some learning.
Rum Appreciation In the 21st Century I am a university man, now ladies, at the best kind of university, one you don?t have to show up at, and the best kind of that kind: one where all the studies are about rum. The following excerpt from the first lesson comes to us courtesy of The Rum University. See if you can guess my favorite part?
Lesson 1: Origin of Rum - A Brief History
Copyright 2003 Rum Runner Press, Inc. All Rights Reserved. www.rumuniversity.com
What is Rum?
According to some dictionaries, "Rum is a by-product of the processing of sugar from sugarcane." Another definition of the word "rum", one from the Jamaican Excise Duty Law of 1941, number 73, defines rum as a spirit "distilled solely from sugarcane juice, sugarcane molasses, or the refuse of the sugarcane, at a strength not exceeding 150% proof." This would be a very sad world if everything that rum is could be boiled down to these dry, uninteresting definitions.
The purpose of this course -and possibly the reason behind your motivation to take it- is to explore the many faces of rum, from its origins and styles to its uses and lore.
The word "Rum"
It is hard to write about rum without touching on the origins of the word itself. Over the years much has been speculated and written about its origins. One theory offers the possible derivation of the word "rum" from the Latin for sugar, saccharum officinarum. Another theory is that it comes from rumbullion, which may have been a purely descriptive word or a modified English version of the Dutch and German roemer, which refers to a large drinking glass.
Regardless of the origin of the word, there seems to be an agreement that the name Kill-Devil (or Kill-Devill), alias Rumbullion, was given to the first beverages in Barbados. They were notably rough and unpalatable and could "overpower the senses with a single whiff," and would "lay them (the men) to sleep on the ground" (Richard Ligon). We are also helped by a quote from the General Court of Connecticut (New England), 1654, which is the earliest known recognition of Barbados rum in the colonies: "... whatsoever Barbados liquors, commonly called rum, Kill-Devill or the like."
Novelist Hervey Allen offered the following definition: "Rum? 'tis the courage of the fighting Dutchmen, and the main brace of the Royal Navy, a potable charge for explosions of friendship, wings on the slippers of Mercury."
In addition to the above, the following terms have also been used to refer to rum:
Barbados Water Splice the Main Brace Grog Demon Water The Pirate's Drink Navy Neaters Nelson's Blood Rum Bastion Comfortable Waters...
Lesson One, and the rest of the coure, can be downloaded at: The Rum University Now for today?s homework...
The Unhappy Ballad of Don Squishy by Bilgemunky Our shipmate Bilgemunky has evidently been drinking the same stuff we?ve been: He?s started a blog. Here?s a specimen, The Unhappy Ballad of Don Squishy. Drop anchor and check out more www.bilgemunky.com/bilgeblog.
If ever a tale was sad and true, if ever such tale was told, it be that of Don Squishy, that dastardly fiend, with heart so bitingly cold.
The kin of a mighty legend he was, his brother so fair and brave. Pathetic and weak, in contrast he was, and through youthful folly, sank he to watery grave.
Or so it would be, but should fate have a say, and through gross intervention it did. For the unfortunate lad was saved, no less, and raised by family of squid.
His new siblings treated him fair, but rough, his upbringing cold and wet. But learned the ways of the ocean, he did, 'til snared by fisherman's net.
Sent to orphanage then, he was, 'til he should grow of age. Teased by children for his clammy disposition, but they soon learned the depths of his rage.
His arms like muscular whips, they were, and thrashed the mockers to brink. A terrible vengeance he extracted from them, then disappeared in murky cloud of ink.
And thus began the tales of Don Squiddy - Squishy, as he came to be known. A terrible phantom, a devil, a menace, with a soft slimy body and a soul made of stone.
For years it was that he terrored the seas, his villainous deeds renowned. Obeying not laws of God nor man, yet soon his heart was bound.
The heavenly Keira in fantastic red dress, Squishy was smitten on sight. His mullusky passions enflamed, he approached, but then learned the true nature of plight.
For this object of lust had already been claimed by a hero that few would dare cross. Don Squishy enraged upon learning, in fact, she belonged to his brother long lost.
Retreating to brood, the miserable wretch, he wallowed in shameful disgrace. But then made a weapon of poison and pine, and snuck upon Keira 'midst lovers' embrace.
Squishy, he sprung, he sprung, and he cursed her, he did. Then he grabbed and k'napped her, retreated to dungeon, and there in the darkness they hid.
[I can?t write any more of this until I decide where the story goes next]
THE RANSOM by Rancette Today, a yarn from our shipmate Rancette...
Heiress Felicia Miles wasn?t at all happy. Daddy had bought her a yacht, but told her she couldn?t sail more than four miles off the coast. She had wanted a boat so she could sail to Anguilla with her rock star boyfriend Chad Ryan. She couldn?t ask Chad to buy her a boat, because his royalties hadn?t come in yet. But he was the hottest new singer and she, the socialite heiress, was the envy of all girls.
Meanwhile, back at Miles, Inc., Martin Miles had just received news that his multi-billion dollar corporation was going under. Her was afraid of this. That?s why he had rented The Fur Elise instead of buying it. He knew Felicia would be heartbroken that they would have to return the boat, but then maybe Chad would get her a yacht. It wasn?t like he wouldn?t have millions to spare.
?We should have flown to Anguilla,? Felicia said. ?How much fuuuuurrrther??
?Here?s a fax coming in?? Chad said. ??Miles, Inc. has gone under. Must return the boat by April 30th, 4 PM.??
?That must be an April fool?s joke!?
?I don?t think your dad would joke about something like this. I?m kind of anxious to get to Anguilla myself. The sooner I can get away from my has-been ex-girlfriend, the better!?
?Has-been? I can get my own TV show! I can start my own clothing line. People tremble when they hear my name!?
?That?s because you?re a high maintenance diva. I couldn?t wait until I was propelled to fame by dating you, so I could dump you!?
?Oh!! I never liked you either, but having you on my arm made me look cool and I wanted to go to Anguilla so the paparazzi would invade us and get great pics of me in my bikini.?
?Why would they want to do that, with your cellulite!?
The blond Felicia shrieked and started slapping him. She started crying when she realized she had broken a nail.
?It could be worse. Your yacht could be invaded by pirates. Arr,? a voice said.
?I?ll say one thing. Nobody has hired fake pirates for me before. That?s really sweet Chad.?
Chad looked at the pirate ship that had silently anchored itself adjacent to the yacht. A couple lifeboats were tied to the yacht and a dozen pirates surrounded them. ?You are so dense. These are real pirates. If I hired performers, I wouldn?t expect them to look so angry.?
A pirate behind Chad took a step forward and cut his throat to indicate to Felicia that they were real. Normally, she would have freaked out at the sight of blood, but she thought that served him right for not hiring pirates for her.
?Oh okay, calm down,? she told herself out loud. To them, ?My daddy will pay you a million dollars for my ransom. Just don?t hurt me.?
The captain said, ?A million is like pennies to your dad. We were thinking more like a billion.?
Felicia tried to hide the fax behind her back.
?What?s that?? The captain was on to her and read that Miles, Inc. went under. Page two included an article from the Wall Street Journal to prove it.
And with that, they loaded her onto the pirate ship and she was never seen from or heard from again. Martin Miles was relieved about his daughter?s disappearance, because he knew she would?ve hated him once his cash flow ran out. Felicia never made it to Anguilla, but she found a nice uncharted island that she liked so much, she called it ?Anguilla, Jr.?
She liked the pirates too, because once she was sick of one pirate, she would move on to another. She figured sta ying with them was better than going home, because who really wants a TV show? She was better than that.
Blog Captain?s log. Here?s a scrimshaw by Flarq the harpooner based on a photo Rancette sent in. I don?t know if it?s Felicia or not, but it doesn?t matter: Rule is if send us a yarn and we post it, Flarq?ll scrimshaw whoever you want. Send your 500-word-or less yarn on in to piratesofpensacola@lycos.com.
An Insane Pirate
There?s a pirate known as Nice Norman. Not very intimidating, is it? Norm used to be known as Satan II until one night, when raiding a Brazilian-bound brig plump with ingots, a howitzer shell skipped off his head. Now he?s about as confused as you can get. Frinstance, he gives away money, and not, as you might hope, to gambling dens and brothels, but to charities!
Check out this action he?s got going now: If you click this button he?s got rigged up, an ad pops up and the ad revenue goes to help feed animals in shelters.
Is he the insanest pirate ever or what?
Here?s Capt. Niceguy as scrimshawed by Flarq. No doubt he?ll send Flarq a thank you note or make a donation to an orphanage in Flarq?s name or something equally insane.
Guest Blogger: Ben Franklin Who knew Ben Franklin wrote pirate ditties? Below is one from 1719 about the sea battle between Lieutenant Maynard and the pirate Captain Teach, a.k.a. Black-beard (a.k.a Blackbeard without the dash). For those of you who don?t know, the monicker was synonymous with terror thanks to a repertoire of intimidation that included placing lit matches in his hair and beard so that it appeared to sailors whose ships he boarded that his head was spouting fire. In 1995, a bearded man performed a similar stunt in New York City?s Washington Square Park. People took him for insane and he was hauled off to Bellevue. In Blackbeard?s less media-savvy time, people took him for Satan. Thanks to our shipmate Ed Foxe for whacking the dust off an old Naval Society volume called "Naval Songs and Ballads," finding this baby and sending it to us:
Will you hear of a bloody battle, lately fought upon the seas? It will make your ears to rattle and your admiration cease: Have you heard of Teach the rover, and his knavery on the main; How of gold he was a love, how he loved ill-got gain?
When the act of grace appeared Captain Teach and all his men Unto Carolina steered, where they us'd him kindly then; There he marry'd to a lady, and gave her five hundred pound, But to her he prov'd unsteady, for he soon marched off the ground
And returned, as I tell you, to his robberies as before: Burning, sinking ships of value, filling them with purple gore. When he was at Carolina, there the Governor did send To the Governor of Virgina, that he might assistance lend.
Then the man-of-war's commander, two small sloops he fitted out; Fifty men he put on board sir, who resolved to stand it out. The lieutnant he commanded both the sloops and you shall hear How before he landed he suppress'd them without fear
Valiant Maynard as he sailed soon the pirate did espy; With his trumpet he then hailed, and to him they did reply: "Captain Teach is our commander", Maynard said "He is the man Whom I am resolved to hang sir, let him do the best he can."
Teach replied unto Maynard, "You no quarter here shall see But be hanged on the main-yard, you and all your company." Maynard said "I none desire of such knaves as thee and thine." "None I'll give," Teach then replied; "my boys, give me a glass of wine."
He took the glass and drank damnation unto Maynard and his crew, To himself and generation, then the glass away he threw. Brave Maynard was resolv'd to have him, tho' he'd cannons nine or ten; Teach a broadside quickly gave him, killing sixteen valiant men.
Maynard boarded him and to it they fell with sword and pistol too; They had courage, and did show it, killing of the pirate's crew. Teach and Maynard on the quarter fought it out most manfully; Maynard's sword did cut him shorter, losing his head he there did die.
Every sailor fought while he, sir, power had to wield his sword, Not a coward could you see, sir, fear was driven from aboard; Wounded men on both sides fell, sir, 'twas a doleful sight to see, Nothing could their courage quell, sir; O they fought couragiously.
When the bloody fight was over we're informed by a letter writ, Teach's head was made a cover to the jack-staff of the ship; Thus they sailed to Virginia and when they the story told How they killed the pirates many, they'd applause from young and old.
Lyricist Benny F. scrimshawed by Flarq. Franklin is most pirates? favorite U.S. President because he?s on the hundred. (He wasn?t a Prez, you say? Best to keep that to yourself if a pirate tells you otherwise.)
P.S. One of my favorite things about Blackbeard: He had his own pirate flag that was something of a pirate flag hodgepodge: black, with a crappily-drawn Devil holding an hourglass in one hand while stabbing a heart to bloody bits with the other. Everybody told Blackbeard they really liked it.
For more pirate history (though a lot of it is made-up), check out my novel.
Advice For Young Bucs
Some fifth graders from El Carmelo School in Palo Alto, California wrote me. The kids want to be pirates for the summer and have asked where the good plundering?s at.
Well, little sods, if you go by government estimates, Indonesia?s the hotbed of piracy these days, averaging of fifty pirate raids per year lately. But even fourth graders (especially in California) know governments can?t be trusted when it comes to math. Better to ask a CPA (Certified Pirate Accountant). So for the purposes of this entry, I talked to mine, a bloak named Beigebeard (he has a beard and, when he turned pirate, all the good beard names?Blackbeard, Bluebeard, Redbeard, Graybeard, etc.?were taken.)
Back in the 1980s, Beigebeard was a working stiff, a comptroller for a municipal something or other in Hoboken, New Jersey. Every morning, year in, year out, he laced up his uncomfortable wingtips, stuffed himself into a starched shirt and suit and choking tie, then lugged his briefcase, caught the same bus and sat in the same traffic jam?all to go to a job which wasted away the sunshine, never really paid enough, and gave him no joy. At night, poor swab did the same cruise in reverse, only to come home to the predictable problems of home life?the house needing repairs, the lawn needing mowing, the neighbor needing killing. One day at the office, Beigebeard?s calculator batteries burned out. All four AAAs. He was told he?d need to fill out four different forms to requisition replacements. Instead of doing it, he hopped a tramp steamer departing Jersey City to ports unknown and he never looked back. He wound up in a Caribbean location I can?t disclose, but pirates go to him to do their taxes and love him because no matter how much you earn, Beigebeard works it so you pay nothing. "Why the hell would you anything," he always asks his clients, "you?re already a criminal!"
Beigebeard says: Kids, screw Indonesia. Its RBIs (Raided Brig Incidents) have been grossly inflated by the action in the Straits of Malacca, the little drink that straddles Sumatra and the Malay peninsula. 50,000 brigs pass through it per annum, and last year there were twenty successful plundering parties there. But Indonesia, Malaysia and Singapore have begun coordinated naval patrols there. (Bastards.)
What does Beigebeard say is the number one place for pirating in the world, based on RBIs or any other measure? Of course, the Sugar Islands. Pirates have done such a good job veiling that action from the world though, you won?t even find the Sugars on any map. There?s only one way to even find out about them. Read this.
Now before you go and squawk, “Well, gee, Nelson, although you’re a sensitive, smart guy, that’s not so big of you to upload a jpeg of a beer,” listen to this: The publishing company is sending the stooge to talk or something like that at the 
