Vacation Memo
I—Nelson Cooke the reformed pirate—’m weighing anchor for summer vacation. Some of you may have heard I’m planning to fly down to the Caribbean isle of St. Kitts, wrangle me a crew at that notorious pirate hangout, the Blowfish, use a fast boat to seize a nearly-as-fast superyacht, hit Dealer Dan’s Illegal Munitions Plus and outfit her with howitzers, then go after a cargo ship transporting silver ingots, among other stuff, to Argentina. These plans were posted on the internet by Stupid George. Well, George is—and I don’t expect this’ll shock anybody—wrong. He’s confusing fact with fiction—see, I write a book of pirate fiction. Also, George only read to page six (oddly, he started on page eight).

What I’m doing is this: I’m renting a secluded cabin in Canada, which, yeah, would be a really good alibi if I was going pirating, but I am not. I will in fact be going for hikes and stuff like that.

Happy sails to all of you, shipmates, and may your ’powder always stay dry.

P.S. Click this link for a swell summer piratic reading book if you miss me. Below is a scrimshaw of the Blowfish, a place I won’t be.

Thar she is, Miss Pyrat 2005
The Runners-Up (who become Miss Pyrat if the current Miss Pyrat gets killed) are 1. Bastardess and 2. Catalina Kate. The winner of the 2005 Miss Pyrat crown…

Trish Cavendish. Huzzah for Trish!

Trish hails from California. Trish’s interests include “reading, travel, and plundering Spanish merchantmen laden with gold,” though the last has been slow going of late. “I have been trying to find a good full-time pirate job, but haven’t had much luck as my resume has mostly office work.” If resumes included pictures that’d be another story. Trish’s skills include poetry and being the subject of a scrimshaw.

Nelson by Miss Pyrat 2005 Trish Cavendish

There once was a pyrat named Cooke
Who hired a stooge to help write his book.
The crew also had Flarq the harpooner,
Who doubled as scrimshawer and cartooner
And George, who served as ship’s shnook.



pirate mythtory part 1 by Miss Pyrat 2005 Runner-Up Bastardess

Hale! All ye pirates, blargmates and brigands I have a story to tell of fine lands. This yarn is rich with ancient lore and dates back to the beginning of pirate history when even Christ himself was not yet a man.

Though commonly perceived as thieving, unscrupulous drunkards manning treacherous ships at sea, pirates are also great men of adventure, bravery and uncommon wisdom. They are revolutionaries, rebels, leaders, independent thinkers and above all nonconformists. The annals of piracy, mythology, and mankind itself will attest.

Odysseus, the great King of Ithaca is a fine example of this type of pirate. A swashbuckler so brilliant he managed to outwit death, and Hades, king of the underworld. Ulysses, as he was also known was, like any good pirate king, a military strategist. He earned his first pirate stripe when he masterminded the Trojan horse and thus made the Greek siege of Troy possible. He cemented his title after ten years at the helm, banished by Poseidon to endure his great odyssey, as portrayed by Homer. Forced to visit many a strange land and faced with cannibals, witches, sirens and nymphs, Odysseus became a great hero by demonstrating his courage, strength and honour throughout his journey.

Bran, the prince of Irish mythology, back in the eight century BC set sail to the Island of Joy and the Land of Women. Bran sought for centuries, but when he and his men tired and were ready to go home they were warned that if they set foot on Irish shore they would age accordingly and turn to dust. With proof of this grim fate, and no chance of returning to human society, Bran set off to find a place where misery, sickness and death were unknown. The Voyage of Bran is pre-dated by the tale of Maeldun who sets out to find his father?s killers and avenge his death. Blown off course by a storm Maeldun visits islands inhabited by strange creatures and is witness to bizarre natural phenomena. After bathing in a natural lake his youth is renewed and upon finding his father?s killers grants them clemency.

It is through such adventures, and by the integrity of their approach to these challenges that brave men become heroes. These leaders, to whom we once turned for guidance, have now themselves joined the pantheon of the gods as imparters of wisdom and truth. Piracy, it would seem, is synonymous with the quest. And of course no decent buccaneer would purport to be one without a plan to discover the uncharted world, and the treasure that lies beyond the boundary of what is commonly accepted.


P.S. Want to be Miss Pyrat 2006? Get some tips from this book.

PIRATE'S SONG.
Today, the actual, historical pirate anthem. We didn't make any of it up, no rum was involved, nothing like that:

To the mast nail our flag it is dark as the grave,
Or the death which it bears while it sweeps o'er the wave;
Let our deck clear for action, our guns be prepared;
Be the boarding-axe sharpened, the scimetar bared:
Set the canisters ready, and then bring to me,
For the last of my duties, the powder-room key.
It shall never be lowered, the black flag we bear;
If the sea be denied us, we sweep through the air.
Unshared have we left our last victory's prey;
It is mine to divide it, and yours to obey:
There are shawls that might suit a sultana's white neck,
And pearls that are fair as the arms they will deck;
There are flasks which, unseal them, the air will disclose
Diametta's fair summers, the home of the rose.
I claim not a portion: I ask but as mine--
'Tis to drink to our victory--one cup of red wine.
Some fight, 'tis for riches--some fight, 'tis for fame:
The first I despise, and the last is a name.
I fight, 'tis for vengeance! I love to see flow,
At the stroke of my sabre, the life of my foe.
I strike for the memory of long-vanished years;
I only shed blood where another shed tears,
I come, as the lightning comes red from above,
O'er the race that I loathe, to the battle I love.

P.S. Click here for a novel in which this song gets sung, sort of (rum is involved).





P.P.S. Got a pirate song of your own? Wanna make one up? Send it on it to nelson@piratesofpensacola.com.

Dead Pirate of the Week: Calico Jack
One of the most famous pirates of the 18th Century was a handsome, rich daredevil named John Rackham, but known worldwide as “Calico Jack.” Why? The material of his shirts of all things. Calico sailcloth.

During a brief—four years—run--he and his crew were in league leaders in plunder and havoc in the Caribbean and the West Indies.
His greatest prize was the hand of the notorious female pirate Anne Bonny (along with Ching Shih, one of the three well-known women on the account—the third being Mary Reade), whose great beauty was surpassed by her courage.

On their honeymoon, Jack and Anne were attacked by an armed sloop which had been sent after them by the Governor of Jamaica. Anne drew her sword and fought gallantly. To her mortification, her new husband hid below deck. She managed to avoid capture. He did not. On the day he was to be executed in 1720, Calico Jack obtained the right to a farewell meeting with his wife. She didn’t show. All he got was an unsympathetic note in which she wrote:

“If ye’d fought like a man, ye need not have been hang’d like a dog.”

Our regular scrimshaw guy Flarq is off at his Harpooners’ Club Dagger Fight and Pizza Night, so I’ve got to post this old illustration of Jack.

P.S. A descendant of Jack’s is a prominent character in the book "Pirates of Pensacola". Do you know who, and why he doesn’t wear calico shirts?

P.P.S. Bard Sinisters?s right answer to the sneakyratbastard trivia quiz quesstion #7: What are the Seven Seas: The "Seven Seas" is a term used for all of the oceans of the world. Pirates really only stuck to the traditional Seven Seas in the early days. Also pirates are no good at mapography and are seldom sober enough (assuming they know how at all) to count past seven.

You're Invited To Join a Cult
Our shipmates at Tripod have started a new reading-and-writing-orientated online club called Book Cult. You get to meet authors every month, hear their yarns, and ask them questions, try to convince them to invest in your brother-in-law’s invention, stuff like that. Plus there’s contests almost as good as the Miss Pyrat Pageant.

The Book Cult’s first author is none other than my writing stooge, Keith Thomson. The action’s going down at BookCult.Tripod.com and I think you’ll dig it. Just a reminder: I, Nelson Cooke really wrote the novel Pirates of Pensacola, but needed a writer-type-guy to help with grammar and serve as a front man as I’m still wanted by the law for a trumped-up charge or three. But that business is between us, of course, so please play along with Keith.

Today?s scrimshaw by Flarq ought to have been of Keith, but I decided this entry’d work better with another look at Miss Pyrat 2005 contestant Deb.

Call Me Captain Trivia
Shipmates, I want to get accepted into this one pirate writers’ club—not to hit on the lovely women there, but to have frank discourses about literature with them. Below are some of the questions from the application. It’s not that I didn’t know the answers or anything. I just thought some of them would make a fun game for you, my online shipmates. So the first of you to send me the correct answers to the questions below wins a super-special color scrimshaw by Flarq.


1. Who found the treasure in “Treasure Island”?
2. Why is Ben Franklin modern pirates’ favorite US President?
3. What was the name of Blackbeard’s last brig?
4. What was the reason pirates in olden days flew the flag of the hourglass?
5. What in the heck does then name “Jolly Roger” come from?
6. "Bud" is to "Budweiser" as "rum" is to _________?
7. What are the Seven Seas?


Type up your answers and send them to me at nelson@piratesofpensacola.com. Runners-Up will win beer.

Word has it you can find some clues here.

UPDATE 6/7 or whatever today is: The fair Bard Sinister was the first to answer all seven of these questions right. She was also the only one to get #7 right. Details to follow. See if you can be like Bard and figure out #7 the meantime. Hint: Who the heck said anything about the Ancient World?

Stooge News
As you probably know, I, Nelson Cooke the pirate really wrote the novel Pirates of Pensacola, but needed a writer-type-guy to help with grammer and minor stuff like that, plus serve as a front man as I’m still wanted by the law for a trumped-up charge or three.

Now, assuming the pirates there don’t use the poor writerly bastard as a cannon target, the stooge will be signing copies of the book this Saturday, June 4th, in the market area at the Blackbeard Festival in Hampton in some place in the state of Virginia (now what in the heck is the origin of the name of that state?!).

P.S.: Some old thoughts the Blackbeard Festival.


P.P.S: This here?s not a scrimshaw of Blackbeard. Flarq, our regular scrimshaw guy, is out whaling. We do have a file scrimshaw of a bloak with a black beard. It?ll just have to do:

HOW TO FIGHT LIKE A PIRATE MONKEY by Captain Petunia
Thanks to Capt. Petunia for this informative piece for pirate monkeys and aspiring pirate monkeys among our readers...


If you're going to be a pirate monkey, you'll need to know how to fight like one. Pirate monkeys usually try to avoid physical confrontation, instead choosing to intimidate their opponents with devastatingly witty insults or with booger jokes, depending on the intellectual level of the individual pirate monkey. In case you do find yourself in a street brawl, here are some handy tips:

1. Never fight fair.
2. If your opponent thinks they've won and turns around to leave, get up and kick them in the butt. Then run away.
3. Keep some extra weapons concealed on your body - for example, a dagger in your boot or a flamethrower in your hat.
4. Have some accomplices standing by in case the fight isn't going your way.

Here is what to do if you get into various sticky situations.

P.S. Click here for a novel about (non-monkey) pirates.

Miss Pyrat Contestants
Here are some of the early contenders for the title of Miss Pyrat. Keep on sending entries to me at nelson@piratesofpensacola.com. See the post from the other day for rules (though come to think of it, there aren’t any) and prizes, etc. The deadline is when I’ve got enough entries to have a representative sample of wenches (what is the politically correct term for that again?) and/or June 30th. By the way, after scrimshawing the first two contestants, Flarq lost his scrimshaw pen, so we’ll be going with photos till he finds it.

First up today is our longtime shipmate, Deb. Her talent: She doesn’t need one. But, as it happens, she can fly.

Next is Princess R9. Her majesticness’s skills are 1) she’s got a whole damn royal navy under her command; 2) any sailor or soldier anywhere will do what she says.

Third, we got the fair Bastardess. Her skill is reading.

Another old shipmate is Contestant #4, Red (Hot) Raspberry, whose talent is looking like actress/model Liv Tyler:

Finally we’ve got Hosehead the Bloody, who wrote a swell yarn AND entered the pageant. I liked the yarn.

Contestant: Hosehead the Bloody

Date of Birth: December 5, 1563

Residence: Ellaybe Island, Southern Caribbean Archipelago.

Profession: Shopowner, Captain of the pink steath Corvette, "Pray for Wind."

Measurements: 64-52-66, plus 3 (fully functional).

Turn Ons: Satin eye patches. Elsinore Ale. Two-holer outhouses. Snuggling by the fire with a pair of parrots and a greased rum bottle.

Turn Offs: Dons. Men who don’t put out on the first date. Women who don’t understand my special needs.

Favorite Book: "From Blowholes to Gloryholes: or, ‘It’s your turn in the barrel tonight, mate.’" **

Favorite Quote: “Real captains never leave seamen on their poopdecks.”

Yarn:

Nicolas, a young seaman, signed on to the crew of a pirate brig. After a few days at sea, Nicolas began to start missing his wife, particularly during those late-night "calls of the wild."

One day as it would happen, the Captain walked up to him and asked him how he was doing on his first voyage.

"I'm doing just fine, sir," Nicolas responded, "all except for one thing. I getthose late-night urges for my wife, and since there aren't any women on board it's driving me crazy."

"Nicolas," the Captain responded, "I guess nobody told you, but we have made provisions for that, mate. There's a barrel way in the back of the hold, with a hole in the side. When you feel those urges in the middle of the night, just go down to the hold and stick Little Nick through the hole in the barrel. It'll take care of all your urges."

Nicolas smiled politely, thinking the Captain was crazy, but saying nothing further.

Later that night, when Nicolas' dreams drifted away towards thoughts of his young wife back at port, he woke up with a start, and the agony was insufferable. He remembered what the Captain had told him earlier, and with those thoughts of his bride so fresh in his head he was desperate for release. So, as quietly as he could, so he wouldn't wake anyone, he crept down into the hold of the ship, found the barrel in the back, and slipped Little Nicky into the hole in the side of the barrel.

It was amazing. He experienced such pleasure as he'd never felt before.

Three minutes later, totally satisfied and released from his frustrations, he crept back up to his cabin and slept like a log.

The next morning, the Captain walked up to him.

"Did you try the barrel last night?" he asked Nicolas.

"I sure did," Nicolas replied, "And it was wonderful--it really did the trick!"

"Great!" said the Captain, "Because tonight it's your turn in the barrel."


P.S. Shipmates, please ring in with your feedback as I, Nelson Cooke, am finding judging a huge undertaking. I’d also like any poop you’ve got on the entrants that could weigh in on the judging, if they’re pop owns a liquor company, for instance, or if they’ve got a Siamese twin.

P.P.S. Extra points to Miss Pyrat contestants who read this book, or have it read to them.

How Could I Not Of Thought Of This Before?!
Announcing the Miss Pyrat Pageant!

To enter, send in pix of yourself to nelson@piratesofpensacola.com. Tip: Consider wearing a minimum of garments to give the judges the best chance to get to judge you. By the way, if you have a talent, mention it. Finalists will be scrimshawed and posted here as we select them. As I am real sensitive and politically correct and stuff like that, Miss Pyrat?s open to bloaks too (below is Flarq?s entry (how in the bloody crap could I tell that silo-sized, harpoon-wielding bastard that he wasn?t a Finalist?)), but lads, if you feel nancyish about entering, nobody?ll be all that broke up if you don?t. The Pageant winner gets an all-expense-paid (providing you pick an entree $12.99 or under) dinner date with me, Nelson Cooke.

Contestants must be 18 years of age or older or have a fake i.d. good enough for "reasonable doubt."

P.S. More contestant tips.